Today I revisited a Ted talk with the intent to listen and allow myself to process the information instead of just looking for entertainment and moving on with my day. I listened to Vulnerability and it was truly insightful. She started off with lean into the discomfort and I definitely shy away from that because well its uncomfortable. I'm not sure what I want to say about this video or if I've truly digested the lessoned learned. She said we can't be selective numb-ers (my word). There is no numbing painful feelings without numbing the good feelings too. I think I have been doing this for a while now. Afghanistan is a great example...I never let myself truly feel in that environment. There was no great fear, pain, or joy. I met some amazing people and let 1 in, having more meaningful conversations than is that Paleo bro? I was happy to be home, but I didn't feel what I thought I would...I thought I'd cry when I finally saw my fam but honestly I had to search deep inside like where are these feelings?! It honestly scares me to admit it.
I think with Kim I've been numbing a lot. I numb the good and the bad...the fact is that I never wanted to be in Olympia. I blame her for my resentment and unhappiness that last few years (ish) but truly I should have been honest and told her that I had no desire to be there. I long so badly to have a life partner. I WANT to get married and have that life but more often than not I think I'll just be an old spinster. Am I just better off alone?
Brene also talks about believing you are worthy and I think that is a major block right now in my CF training and nutrition. I am strong and have talent, but I don't really think I'll make it anywhere or be any good. I think my safe spot is to be mediocre...need to fix that aspect of my mental game.
Things to work on:
-Let myself be seen (who I am)
-Love with a whole heart even though there is no guarantee
-Practice gratitude and joy- be alive
-Believe I am enough
Vulnerability
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