Are you saying dudes or juice or jews?

I am reading this amazing book call 'The War of Art" I can't put it down.  My buddy Jonny recommended it.  Normally it wouldn't take me this long to read this book but I really have to stop every few pages to take notes.  Perhaps this book isn't amazing to everyone but it is really resonating with me.

I got a promotion/new position at work that is still in its infancy but nonetheless super exciting.  I am taking my first course towards my nursing prereqs starting in June -this has been a huge fight whether it is fighting with Admissions or my other schools about transcripts to finding out the Chem course I need to take is already full - peaks and valleys, but that is just it right the resistance I want to throw my hands up and walk away too tough.  I am finding a way though to make it happen.  I feel like this is my thing - it seems so hard and far way - scary.

I have been working with Jason on my food for just about 2 months now - I have had some bad days but all in all I am super happy with my commitment to his recommendations.  I did a fucking cleanse of just the neera juice for 10 days.  10 days!  I had lost 16 pounds by day 8 and then the weight started creeping back up (what is wrong with my body).  I flipped out when I could eat again and got super sick.  Lesson learned.  I had decided to give myself a treat 1x a week as like a sustainable diet trick - you did good this week here is a gluten free cupcake.  I always want a fucking cupcake and they are never as good as I hope.  Anyway this week a I had Mexican and an apple.  I haven't been eating corn or fruit in an attempt to be even better.  I feel the same though...why am I still fat?  Jason said due to the cleanse for the next month ish you will be weak, so I am accepting that but when is it going to come back and when does the aesthetic piece come?

Jessica is currently the bane of my existence.  Bane:  something causing misery or death.  This girl is fucking killing my spirit.  All of the sudden she became legit and her sole purpose when she wakes up is to beat me at something...anything for the day and then tell me about it and others like her fucking mom?  I know what it is like to look up to someone and want to beat them but not like this...I want to be better and I think people make others better and I thrive on that but when someone watches you working out only to see if you will beat them and when you do say dang it instead of good job and mean it.  She is literally bragging to people that she beat me on one set of the front squat.....ahhhh I digress.  The point of this rant is that we are testing this week and so everything has been taken up a notch.  So today we are working out together and we are doing the Clean TnG 10rm and I hit 10 for 50k - Jess is going to go at 48k and Jordan walks over stops her and makes her put on 51k and asking her if she wanted to be a winner and pumping her up (she gets it) I get ready to go again and he walks away.  I feel betrayed considering the dialogue we have had about Jess (how it bothers me and is clearly an insecurity).  Bothered me enough that I needed to blog and get it off my chest.  Might seem trivial but to me it was attached to a vulnerability that I felt was exploited.

In other news, I am asking Kim's sister for permission this weekend.  I feel the resistance piece with popping the question as well - but the fact of the matter is that too much energy is spent looking for friend/family support so if they can't support me than fuck it.  Also, I would like it very much if Andee would leave my brain.  She drives me nuts.

I actually feel emotionally drained after writing all of this out haha.  Changed my handle on instagram to bicepslikebiebs and I still think its hilarious.    

Low Point Extreme

As I sit here weighing in at an all time high, I am trying with all of my power to keep it together.  I cannot believe what the scale just told me.  I'm scared and depressed.  I know that thinking about it 24/7 isn't helping...

How is it that I know how to eat, I follow a regular workout plan and yet I find myself here.  Obviously, I know how to eat...the question is am I utilizing my knowledge to help myself? No.  This weekend I gave the fuck up.  Only to start back up tomorrow.

I had my thyroid tested, not even considering that was a problem until it was suggested by my doctor.  Immediately I put all my hopes on that being the answer and I can't even put into words how crushed a I was when the doctor said it was all fine.  An answer everyone else that is right in the brain would be super excited to hear.  I felt like I received a life sentence.

Enter 'gut health' I've done my research, it makes sense and I've made plans to add in the foods and supplements recommended to get back on track, if indeed this were the problem.  The thing that destroys me the most?  My inability to stick to anything food related.  How do I do this...what do I have to do to get my head right.  I NEED to succeed.

Jordan and I had this silly discussion about a bikini photo and I want to reach it by my birthday...the farther I go down this hole the less light I see.  Clearly in a really dark place right now.

Some day?