Today I want to crawl into a hole. Every aspect of life is unappealing except crawling into bed and sleeping the day away. Clearly I am getting close to that time of the month and it is obviously wrecking havoc on my emotional state.
My primary thing is Riley its a strange dynamic some days where I over analyze what is going on in his head. Hard place considering he is my boss, roommate/landlord, and friend but on the spectrum today I don't feel friend anywhere in the mix. I feel landlord for sure I've had a check for rent chilling waiting for him and we never really set up a hey if I'm not around this is what to do with rent money chat so today I give it to him and I'm like dude we need a better method of delivery because shit its the 4th and so we go over some scenarios and then boom he's like FYI rent is due the 3rd...I could have hit him. I said check the date I've had it for a while not sure what to do. I guess I should have texted but he was at the Superbowl. I don't know it made me feel low and I'm probably doing it to myself but really? Like I need to be told that rent is due by the 3rd. Ahh I don't know probably overreacting. This all in lieu of our marketing person quitting and I am seeing my boss someone I rely on being pulled indefinitely in a different direction. STRESS.
Eating...I just suck at having faith in any of this right now but I am eating based on macros from Eat to Preform. I like it I just feel hungry and I think that is just a thing where I am used to eating every few hours and mindlessly snacking so I have been logging everything...everything. So I've had a few minor bumps the last few days and primarily with fats (shocker) so when I do the 'cutting' cycle I'll make my meats lean meats like no red meats so that I can be better at cutting out the fat and being effective with the cycling. I will be on this intro get to your macros thing until the end of February and then I'll cut for 6 weeks and get back on the maintenance for another month so on and so forth. While I really would like to look good, I see people around me getting better and I want to as well so my main focus is feeling how food feels and using that to make me preform better. Trust the program!!
Gym life. I love this place more than I can explain. It is a part of me and more days than not I feel I am a part of it. However there are days where I feel like if I just didn't show no one would notice. I am on the better end of females but i fear not for long. The people who I enjoy who bring awesome energy to the space that I want to be around are dudes and unfortunately those dudes want to be around other dudes who are better and stronger than I am...I can't / won't Muscle up right now which is demoralizing couldn't even jerk today I'm so scared for my fucking shoulder. I have missed more cleans and snatches this week than in the last few months WTF. Aside from not improving at my rate of expectation I feel as if my 'workout buddy status' is being replaced by anyone Wheeler and Riley. I get wanting to surround yourself with people that make you better but sometimes I'm not sure where my place is anymore.
Last but not least, school is weighing heavy this quarter. It is worse to wait than it was to take the GRE and submit my applications. So many potential life changes I just want to know. My buddy got into her school of choice and will most likely be moving to ATL in May - we had this plan to do all our classes together which was great because she is smart and reliable and we are going through the same things it was easy and now I will be flying solo next quarter for the class that scares me the most. I'm ready to either be a full time student or just an employee at this point. Work and school are exhausting and by the weekend I have no want / desire to do anything but chill. But I won't complain because I am a strong believer in putting in this fucking work and sacrificing in all aspects of life will ultimately help me succeed in the future....just waiting it out.
Note to self work on your patience with others...just because you're stressed out doesn't mean people are dumb or inconsiderate. Change your perspective Jodi...
